Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
