I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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