his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
