My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
