Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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