she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He felt like a one man threesome
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize