you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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