how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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