she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I looked at my own cervix.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
