I wanna bring you to show and tell
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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