Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Randomize
