he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
