sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
3 2 1 whiskey
Randomize
