How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
