I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
