literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize