ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
