I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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