Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
