I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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