I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
