Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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