You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
