They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
