got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize