how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
