I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
