There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
