I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Drake has all the answers
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
