thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize