Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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