I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
