so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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