Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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