??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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