when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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