i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
