I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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