Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
