I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
