At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
