Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just pee around me
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize