So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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