that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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