i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
