i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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