I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
