can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
