Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
