I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just pee around me
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
