I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
