sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
