i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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