mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
