I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
