Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
