i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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