i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
