And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
