Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
