she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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