Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
