By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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