after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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